WHAT A CROOKED HEART
Let me try again
Some things will never change, no matter the distance. :P
I’ll wait impatiently at the gates.
Sweating from nerves.
It still hasn’t really hit me yet
that we will no longer be in a long distance relationship
that we will be in a “normal” relationship
and get to enjoy all the “normal” things “normal” couples enjoy.
Date nights, waking up together, video games, movies, cartoon marathons
and things we enjoy
like recording music, drawing together, creating.
In half a day, I’ll be by her side
holding her hand, waiting for her luggage on the conveyor
I don’t think I’ll ever let go.
I’ll already never see her online again.
She’s been too busy.
The thought kind of scares me.
I’ll never be alone in my room again.
My bed won’t be just my bed.
But tonight she’ll be here.
And I will hold her, and protect her.
And give her everything she could ever need.
Made room for her in my life.
Cleaned out half the closet.
Made room for her clothes in the dresser.
It’s weird, looking at what was once my entire space
now condensed. Waiting to be filled.
If it were a different circumstance, it might be gradual. If she lived here, she might slowly bring her things over.
But she doesn’t. She still lives two thousand six hundred and fourty two miles away.
So it will be like an avalanche. Nothing, to absolutely everything.
It’s kind of weird to think that from now on I won’t be alone.
Right now, this distsance has left us as loners. Sitting on our computers at night.
But soon we’ll be together. Actually forever.
It’s a huge commitment. I actually got butterflies realising this at work the other day.
Will I still go on tumblr when she’s here? When I have claimed victory over the distance?
Will people still follow our blog when we’re not a long distance relationship?
We’ll still update it.
We’ll probably update it more.
With us doing things together.
Drawing. Creating. Writing music. Doing covers of songs. Going on adventures. Taking pictures.
We’ve been together 10 months, long distance.
But have only actually spent nine days physically together.
We aren’t going to have to say goodbye anymore.
I’m so excited not to have to let her go anymore.
It’s going to be weird, when I say “See you soon” as I’m heading home from work, it won’t mean “I’ll get on skype when I get there”
When I can push open my door and see her smiling at me, wrap my arms around her and kiss her beautiful face as she welcomes me home.
It’s going to be weird. But in the best way possible.
That’s her, really. Weird. In the best way possible.
Sixty three hours til she touches down in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada.
Sixty three hours til I can welcome her home.
With her life packed away in her suitcases.
She’ll spend all day travelling, and touchdown just before midnight, pacific coastal time.
Her new time.
In her new home.
No more goodbyes,
No more “see you in a few months”
No more counting down until we can hold each other again.
Next week, we’ll have beaten the distance.
Next week, our life can begin
Two thousand six hundred and fourty two miles were nothing.
Three hour time-zone difference was nothing.
Waiting months to see each other was nothing.
She’s my everything
I’m a young brownie leader on the westcoast of Canada. I was in girlguides for eleven years, and was recently recruited from my work, because parent volunteers were dwindling. I delightfully accepted, because I absolutely loved being in girlguides, making lifelong bonds with friends and learning important things like independance, strength, and to love yourself.
Recently I began to feel troubled. Although I’m usually quite confident in myself (a huge change from when I was in highschool), I felt nervous to meet the girls’ parents. As you see, I’m fairly alternative. I have piercings, tattoos, short, dyed hair. And I’m gay.
Most of this is usually quite easy to hide. I wear a tshirt underneath my guiding shirt so as not to show my full chestpiece. And I don’t ever talk to the girls about how I’m engaged to a girl.
My troubles boiled down to tonight, our last night for the year. We’re having a birthday party to celebrate everyone’s birthday. And they called for formal attire. I don’t own a dress, and I am not the type of person to wear a dress. I feel uncomfortable and wrong. I’d much prefer to wear a blouse, with a vest and pants.
But I don’t want their parents to know I’m gay.
The thing about people is, they judge you by how you look. They will take one look at me and think, that girl is gay. They won’t take the time to get to know me. To know that I graduated with honours, speak a handful of different language, and was in guides myself for 11 years.
I was worried. So I consulted my friends on facebook, posting a picture of me wearing a skirt awkwardly, and then me wearing my boyish dressclothes
And I was surprised at the responses
“Why do you automatically think being gay is bad? I think you should be proud and set a good example for young girls”
”Both are perfectly acceptable! Wear what you feel comfortable in! Being who you are is never sending the wrong message especially to young girls, being who you are with confidence may give a struggling brownie the confidence to show who they are!”
I cried a little. And I also felt ashamed that I put myself before these girls. That I was selfish to worry about what their parents would think of me. When I know the girls absolutely adore me, and already look up to me.
As a leader, it is my duty to be a positive role-model for these girls. Some people will have their own opinions about my sexuality, but working in a unit of 7-8 year olds isn’t the time or place to worry about it. The best I can be, is be true to myself, so I can show the girls that it doesn’t matter what your differences are, as long as you love yourself, you can be happy.